Who do you think you are kidding Mr Virus – if you think we’re on the run?
We are the boys who will stop your little game, we are the boys who will make you think again! So who do you think you are kidding Mr Virus – if you think Old England’s done? Mr Gove comes in from Hove on the eight twenty one, but when he gets the death stats he’ll have a press briefing at one!
So who do you think you are kidding Mr Virus – if you think Old England’s done?
Don’t panic! Don’t panic! There is a virus under the pier – but the government has it all under control. Phew – for a moment there it looked like ‘following the science’ actually meant REAL science: but nah, Tories don’t follow ‘outcomes’ or ‘facts’ – they make up their own science and follow that.
We didn’t ‘Get Brexit Done’ to cower before the hideous apparatus of science labs in foreign lands. We shall lick ice creams on the beaches and beat Corona the British Empire way, when oriental types were invaded and not heard.
Our Tory government has triumphantly ignored South Korea: yes, they contained the virus and limited deaths to 126 but its not a fair comparison since they had a plan and we had Jeremy Hunt.
The Tories didn’t rush to start mass testing, contact tracing and lock downs: far better to wait for weeks and then sort of half do it. Ay Corona! Now we have no idea what’s going on and no way to respond to it.
While Johnny Foreigner panicked and closed transport, schools and offices, the Tories stood alone in Europe and bravely facilitated the spread of the virus all over the nation. As a result 1,019 are already dead and temporary morgues are being thrown up to store the rest. Since we now mirror the Italian trajectory (but probably worse) we’ll need to house at least 10,000 corpses before trucking them off to unattended funerals. Thank heavens we avoided the chaos of a Corbyn government, aye readers!?!
The Tories would have continued their ‘herd immunity’ strategy (projected 500K dead) but for the French threatening to close their border. Boris bent the knee lest London starve without the channel ports. Taking back control!
Dithering for eleven weeks after the Chinese outbreak will cost thousands of lives – but Tory exceptionalism and parochial swagger will survive.
Never in the field of human medicine are so many going to be so grateful to so few…
… so few beds, doctors, nurses and ventilators that is – thanks to 13 years of Tory ideology and under funding.
But we are so grateful to our underpaid nurses – despite them being defined as ‘unskilled’ by Priti Patel. Some Tories have abruptly found a new love for the ‘unskilled’ – but if they really want to understand the truly unskilled they could just look in the mirror.
We won’t pay our student nurses (just charge them £9K tuition fees) and NHS staff are bereft of PPE equipment but we have waived their car parking fines and clapped them a bit.
We may as well give nurses the clap – they might be able to get fucking tested for that! Corona virus testing is a priority for politicians and royalty.
Ordinary Brits get a docket through the letterbox and take their chances at home. The disabled look set to accrue too many ‘frailty points‘ to be saved.
At first the plan was to blame Corona victims for not following government advice: but since the Prime Minister, Health Minister and Chief Medical Officer all now have the virus, that is moot.
As the avoidance of viral spread via personal responsibility was the directive, the prime minister set a puzzling example when saying:
I was at a hospital the other night where, I think, there were actually a few coronavirus patients and I shook hands with everybody, you’ll be pleased to know, and I continue to shake hands.
And who is going to be managing this Dad’s Army of 750,000 volunteers that BoJo has whistled up? NHS managers must be pulling their hair out at the roots. But then our prime minister is a *complete idiot* who lives in a fantasy land of wartime cliches. An army of ‘Dig For Victory’ pensioners charging about hospitals with no PPE gear is just the way his mind works.
Yes this is Tory crisis management!
(a) Look after the royals and big business
(b) Old Etonians to make a toff-tastic bish of pretty much everything else
(c) Expendable working class to clear up the mess
(d) Disaster to be draped in the Union Jack and Churchillian speeches.
(e) ‘Thoughts and prayers’ and ‘root and branch’ reviews to follow.
(f) Right wing press to cover up the sins and grotesque incompetence of the Tory establishment
(g) Get re-elected to much chortling and slaps on the back.
May we offer an alternative vision for a post Corona Britain?
How about we DON’T re-elect the Tories?
Shall we give up our fatal attraction to billionaire landlords, royals, toffs and public school boys altogether? Imagine that – a United Kingdom without Tories.
The editor of The Lancet Richard Horton called the UK response to Covid-19 ‘a national scandal’ – so rather than rewarding this callous and utterly shambolic government with peerages, medals, corporate directorships and fat pensions…
…why don’t we put them on trial for criminal negligence?
I know, I know… it could never happen here: which in the baleful illumination of a preventable pandemic and catastrophic climate change is something we ought to print on our money…
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Thank you in solidarity with all our readers. John Lynch, Editor.
The lieberal government of Australia should also be held responsible and also the Republican and the orange buffoon
A suitably angry article.Also I am glad to say google has stopped describing you as a site that carries a virus threat.
Pleased to hear about the Google thing finally catching up.
As these days unfold I am beyond angry if anything – there is so much shit to write about that I hardly know where to start.
Will get back to it after breakfast.