Who should stand in for Boris Johnson?

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Oh the hushed gravitas and gnashed teeth of the BBC and Sky News last night…

Here we were thinking that the nation was already in some kind of a crisis, but then an upper class idiot shook hands with the ‘Corona puzzle’, came off rather worse for wear and the universe collapsed. 

Distressed hacks dutifully activated their sick/dead royalty software, blood automatically drained from their faces and the Thames flood barrier was raised to repel a storm surge of bullshit. Switching between news streams, their ashen faces and sorrowful eyes sort of merged into one big cyclops of wailing.

You can’t blame them really: after all this isn’t a dead nurse, doctor, bus driver, care worker, young child, Muslim immigrant consultant or even one of the thousands of expendable and unrecorded pensioners with underlying health conditions and a median age of 79 about to die WITH the corona virus (allegedly) amongst their belongings…

…good Lord above, this is someone who actually matters:  a public school boy Tory with money and power. Sound the air raid sirens – this is a REAL emergency!!

It’s amazing how illness has abruptly transformed Boris Johnson from amoral cavalier toff and serial bumbler to critically needed world statesman. I mean, how can any of us possibly cope without him? How can we go on?

This is the same man right, whose countless pandemic policy blunders attracted fury and derision from around the globe; the ‘leader’ who belatedly insisted on social distancing in order to ‘Protect The NHS’ but didn’t even have the discipline to follow his own rules.

This is the same bad Churchill tribute act and raffish stand up comedian that decided not to bother with the tiresome protocols of the WHO for dealing with pandemics. Thanks to BoJo, we now have to implement the same protocols anyway over a much longer period and at a savage cost in needless deaths and wrecked livelihoods. Still, he managed to clap the NHS that he and his party have spent a decade shafting.

What are we ordinary folks to do without a prime minister to offer moral guidance and effective leadership? Well, the same as we have since 1950 I suppose. That was the last time we had a useful Prime Minister in a guy called Clement Atleee.

These days anybody can be a Prime Minister. If you have the gravitas and attention to detail of Boris Johnson, the empathy, people skills and dancing ability of Theresa May, the bumptious bullying of Brexit engineer David Cameron or perhaps the sincerity and moral purity of Tony Blair…

… just collect ten crisp packets and demonstrate an ability to hold a pencil and you’re in. #10 Downing Street awaits; a guy called Dominic Cummings will be around with diagrams about a eugenicist dystopia shortly.

But don’t worry, BoJo has handed the baton of profound uselessness to the other classic Dom – Dominic Raab and he certainly is at least as useless. It is like the operators of Chernobyl running outside during the meltdown to ask the man in the ice cream van parked outside for some ideas.

If we are going to rely on Dominic Raab, we may as well appoint anyone as interim PM. Here are five more plausible candidates:

‘Diamond Joe’ Quimby from The Simpsons

In favour: Larger than life bumbler, political operator, good with the ladies, knows how to embezzle suitcases full of cash, sounds like John F. Kennedy, better than Dominic Raab

Against: Not a real person (but can be super imposed over the daily corona press conferences to good effect), not in the Bullingdon Club.

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Khan Noonien Singh from Star Trek II

In favour: Hard right politics, ladies man, ruthless criminal, fan of eugenics, once had power over millions, better than Dominic Raab.

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Against: Is an American, questionable haircut, didn’t go to Eton or Oxford.

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Dame Edna Everage from Australia

In favour: much loved national treasure, makes people laugh, fabulous dresses, good on talk shows, better than Dominic Raab.

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.Against: Is an Australian, her rings are possibly too large, might eclipse the Queen.

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Frank Sidebottom from oopp north

In Favour: Strong brand image, wears a mask so doesn’t have any need for PPE or to hide in a fridge, can play ukulele, looks good in a suit, better than Dominic Raab.

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Against: Nasal singing voice, lives up north, isn’t a multi-millionaire toff, not welcome at the Henley Regatta. 

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David Hasselhoff from Knight Rider

In Favour: Good with the ladies, works for a posh English millionaire, drives a flash car albeit somewhat carelessly, nice cheekbones, better than Dominic Raab.

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Against: Is a foreign type, doesn’t know anyone important like a minor royal, was on Baywatch, liked by the Germans, probably better off with KITT.

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Do make your own suggestion for interim PM in the comments section below. A non-functional Covid-19 testing kit for every entry!

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Thank you in solidarity with all our readers. John Lynch, Editor.     

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