Tory voters should clap what they voted for, hand back their benefits and go to work

.

(Stewart Lee style disclaimer: as most of my readership will know this is crude satire. It uses an exaggerated form of the values of Tory voters to illuminate the lunacy and grotesque hypocrisy of Tory voters as they clap the welfare state, the NHS and all the immigrant nurses/care workers/crop pickers that they didn’t much care for a few short months ago. I am not one of those who suggests that working class Tory voters in particular should shove a pizza in their face before standing on porches clapping the low paid: I would advocate something with more bristle. Hopefully this will save us all from a long and tedious exchange of emails )

Dear Daily Express,

As a Conservative voter I protest Boris Johnson abandoning his principles. This slap in the face for democracy undermines people’s faith in the integrity of British politics.

Why all these pandemic benefits? Benefit sanctions incentivise work, not handouts for dole scroungers! Thank heavens Iain Duncan Smith remains true to the mandate of the British people.

Why all this applause for low paid workers like bus drivers, care workers, shop assistants and nurses all of a sudden? If these people were valuable they would, in a free market economy, attract a higher salary: their marginal utility is correctly reflected by their low wages.

We should be applauding winners: the corporate wealth creators, city financiers and ruthless entrepreneurs, who allow us to compete on the world stage.  Priti Patel correctly raised barriers to unskilled workers. This sudden worship of the low paid will only lead to wage inflation and ruinous trade union membership.

Similarly, why are we clapping the NHS? I was delighted when an internal market for medical services effectively replaced the NHS. The formation of health trusts and the contracting out of support services were giant steps towards full privatisation. All this sentimentality risks undoing ten years of good work. I think it was a mistake to suspend car parking fees and fines for nurses: they should pay the going rate!

Recently the government has nationalised train services, offered free broadband and insisted that they wanted to participate in some federalist EU procurement scheme! Why are we adopting the policies of the Corbyn project we have only recently buried? Is this taking back control?

Why are we flying in Romanians to pick crops while our youngsters loll around at home watching Netflix ? Two words – National Service! Why waste money on billboards telling the Romanians to go home only to beg them to come back?

Why this obsession with ‘following the science’? The party I voted for would have called out ‘project fear’ long ago, kept Britain moving and gone down the pub. Why have we run up the white flag to these chicken hearted technocrats, who doubtless all voted Remain?   

This government has caved in to the smug metropolitan liberal elite. It’s time Britain got back to work and stopped cowering at home being frightened of the flu. The market is the best arbiter of who gets to stay at home. If people want to live in some socialist dictatorship, let them go to North Korea!

Why reward homeless people with hotel rooms, I have to pay for mine!?  Perhaps I should sleep on the street and wait for my free ensuite? 

Why are we ‘cocooning’ elderly people? Surely the most deserving will survive?  If the prime minister has beaten this virus, surely anyone with British grit can? Why did we abandon ‘herd immunity’ and adopt this mass molly coddling that can only weaken the indomitable British spirit? Is this how we defeated Hitler? 

At least a ‘no deal’ Brexit is going ahead, bringing much needed certainty to business leaders throughout the land! But where is the confident swagger of just a few months ago? Where is the nation  that was finally at ease with itself after rejecting the EU, multiculturalism and the welfare state? 

Throw the homeless back on to the street, tell the elderly to shape up or ship out, finish the privatisation of the NHS, tell immigrant nurses and care workers to fuck off home and stop rewarding the low paid with applause and the unemployed with benefits. Divert funds to the military and people like Philip Green and Richard Branson. 

I voted to rebuild the British Empire, not stand around clapping bin men and taxi drivers! I shall be handing back the benefits I am now receiving and waiving my rights to NHS care. If I fall behind with my rent, I hope my landlord chucks me out on to the street.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. A. Tory Voter

Red Wall Towers, Muslim Letterbox 460

Somewhere not in the EU – ha! 

Since 2013 I have worked between 4-6 hours a day on this Ad-Free site: trying to give a voice to those without the power or agency to speak out for themselves and uncovering truths that well paid journalists in the corporate media dare not utter.

I am a home schooling parent on a low income – paying for the domain, web hosting and security entirely out of my own pocket.  

If you found this article useful and could spare us a few shillings to help keep our lights on, it would be very much appreciated.

Thank you in solidarity with all our readers. John Lynch, Editor.     

Click here to follow Sodium Haze on Facebook