Yes our government is stuffed full of idiot toffs. Yes we have an ongoing medical crisis to which idiot toffs bring no useful skills or expertise whatsoever.

Yes of course the usual suspects are toffing about doing what they do best – gathering in secret huddles at Westminster, blathering incoherently on about nothing much on the BBC, holding silly press conferences and looking after the needs of capital.

Yes the UK has done less than anyone (basically nothing) to deal with the Covid-19 outbreak. The current toff-tastic advice is that people really ought to try harder not to catch the disease, stay out of our way if you do and well away from the hospitals that are far too underfunded and chaotic to be dealing with you right now. 

If you happen to have no savings (like 10 million households in the UK), be self employed, on a zero hours contract, living via the charity of a food bank, homeless or otherwise unable to stop working… please call the toff-virus hotline where Jacob Rees Mogg will emphasise the value of thrift and hard work at times of national emergency via a series of amusing after dinner anecdotes and Latin tags – you will then be disconnected (charges will apply). Do visit our website www.toffindifferenceto.you and fill in a survey about your situation for a chance to win a time share holiday in Lombardy (local restrictions may apply).

Yes people are going to die needlessly. Yes some of them might be your loved ones. But have a stiff upper lip man! What is important is that they will die in service of a Great British tradition – our unwavering and passionate love affair with feckless toffs. 

No crisis whatsoever was ever solved or even eased by a Tory in a dinner jacket or even a Tory wearing a yellow helmet. Real life and real problems require serious people with actual ability and salient qualifications. But the British have always been wary of so called ‘experts’ and ‘facts’: far better to let affable toffs wave union jacks and make stuff up in the Daily Telegraph. It’s what we know. 

So what will the Tory response to this actual crisis be? A butler on every street corner? A free testing kit for anyone who submits a picture of their Aga to the Home Office? A pull out in the Daily Mail on how to protect yourself against the Chinese? A new road bridge to the Isles Of Scilly? Tax cuts for embattled millionaire landlords?   

Who can say what loopy half-arsed plans our toff overlords will come up with this time but rest assured, it will follow the standard tory five-point plan for crisis management. 

1. Shift the blame – the unemployed, immigrants and bloody foreigners are at it again!
2. Deny everything – its all left-wing piffle; project fear – we won’t spaff money up a wall like Comrade Corbyn would have done.
3. Protect London – well affluent areas of London specifically – the rest of the country can just fuck off – the north especially. 
4. Lie about everything – fiddle the figures, crank out soothing propaganda via the BBC, make Churchillian speeches and look concerned.
5. Come up with a distraction – maybe a small war   

Commemorate the plucky spirit of the homeless, the Windrush Deportees, Grenfell victims, Foodbank Britain and those oh so cute children living in abject poverty with our luxury 2020 Corona Virus collectible memorial plate from Franklin Mint: celebrating the Great British ability to look disaster in the eye and then have an even bigger disaster because we allow stupid toffs to run everything.

Watch as the utter failure to contain an outbreak of a deadly disease is broken up into ‘phases’ as though that was the plan all along. Some readers in the north may have thought the idea was to stop the spread of the disease but this is clearly not the case. First we have the ‘containment’ phase; when that demonstrably fails we move on to the ‘delay’ phase;  and when that too fails we have the ‘ oh well – too late now’ phase which is coming shortly.

Some have wondered if this could be Britain’s Chernobyl moment: the day when the Old Etonian wall finally falls and we lose faith in raffish public school boys and the deep social concern of billionaire capitalists.

Traditionalists need have no fears. When the infected dust has settled and all the bodies are buried, we will recall how in our darkest hour the tories stood with us – looking after their own, bumbling about with grotesque incompetence while deploying the suave and emollient manners that somehow disguise their utter lack of concern for 98% of the population.

Nothing will get done about anything of any consequence – as usual. No matter what happens the usual suspects will find a way to use this crisis to make off with trolley loads of cash and those daft enough to work for a living will get stiffed.   

All will continue as normal before, during and after this outbreak. Rule Britannia! 

Keep Calm And Carry On…

Since 2013 I have worked between 4-6 hours a day on this Ad-Free site: trying to give a voice to those without the power or agency to speak out for themselves and uncovering truths that well paid journalists in the corporate media dare not utter.

I am a home schooling parent on a low income – paying for the domain, web hosting and security entirely out of my own pocket.  

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Thank you in solidarity with all our readers. John Lynch, Editor.