Jeremy Corbyn’s rivals in the Labour leadership have unveiled their latest policy statements in a bid to stamp out the return of Labour party policies to the Labour Party.
Speaking with one voice, the wildly popular trio who are triumphantly trailing Mr Corybn like donkeys chasing a greyhound, delivered key election promises under a unifying soundbite soon to be made into a pink bus and series of mauve signs…
“VOTE FOR US AND WE’LL MAKE YOU PAY!”
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Yvette Cooper outlined the bright future in store for Labour voters if they can only work together to stop the evil bogey man Jeremy Corbyn:
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The new ‘mauve mobilisation’ promises to:
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Support Austerity and continue dismantling the welfare state
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Buy Trident
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Keep tuition fees
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Keep privatised railways
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Support Israel at all costs
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Retain tory tax cuts for the rich
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Do nothing much about Corporate Tax evasion
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Do nothing at all to reform the banks or the monetary system
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in addition, the triumphant campaign of Liz Kendall (now on 11% amidst calls for her withdrawal) promises to continue the creeping privatisation of the NHS – a sure fire vote winner.
A special advisor on secondment from Goldman Sachs mused:
“Many voters seem to think that politicians should represent people like THEM, but modern politics is about representing people like US and listening carefully to important people like media types and lobbyists. Liz in particular has a special flair for promoting exactly what potential Labour voters don’t want. As our new campaign slogan explains – if you vote for Liz – she’ll make you pay, and how!”
A biological compound of senior Labour politicos, spin doctors, special advisors and hangers on issued the following statement via a mobile app called ‘Mauve Chat For The Morons’:
“basically we need the electorate – even though they are all idiots, we simply can’t have a Labour Party man like Corbyn leading the Labour Party – think of our careers – we’ll never get a directorship in the City again!”
A gelatine substance infused with micro chips spoke for many in the Andy Burnham camp when it oozed:
“Voters are an enigma to us, why don’t they think exactly what the corporate media tells them to think – erm… like we do?”
A puzzled researcher in orbit around Yvette Cooper summed up the general bafflement in the anti-Corbyn camp.
“We have such intense contempt for the electorate – why don’t they love us? If we get elected we’ll make em pay!! – why won’t they vote for us??
Jermey Corbyn was unavailable for comment. His bizarre insistence on representing the people who elected him via policies they agree with has seen him slump to a 17% lead in opinion polls.
In a possibly related development it seems that a majority of the public support many of Mr Corbyn’s policy positions.
Extraordinary!
Luckily we have someone we have someone who is even more toxic with voters than Liz Kendall – here comes Tony!
Yes readers, the ever popular Tony Blair said the Labour movement needed to elect someone like him – a quick scan of the Labour ranks has unfortunately revealed a dearth of multi-millionaire war criminals willing to stand. Indeed its hard to find anyone with Tony’s dazzling track record of promoting peace in the Middle East or of helping foreign governments cover up human rights abuses.
Oh well muses The Haze – I suppose we are stuck with voting for someone who opposed the Iraq War. Now who might that be…?
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These folk have lost the plot entirely. Since Blair dismantled ‘Labour’ by abolishing clause 4 the idea of ‘common good’ has gone the way of ‘common sense’. How they can claim to serve the people who elected them I dont know. Self interest seems to rule them all.
Thatchers children have taken ‘greed is good’ to new depths. God help us all.
Funny how rattled the Labour Party seems to be by the fact that they’re currently acquiring lots of new members. Such an unfamiliar feeling for them, I suppose…