A child drowns – who can we bomb? Customer update from the British Media

Dear Valued Customer,

Recently our regular service offering football, celebrity gossip, wire agency tit-bits, quotes from politicians, corporate propaganda and updates from official sources was interrupted by pictures of drowned children on a beach. Their family were fleeing the Syrian Civil War and the city of Kobani.

We have a passion for news creation and opinion management and work hard to keep reality out of it.

We know that some of you have had emotional reactions and now questions that need answering:

Is there a God?

Why is there so much suffering in the world?

How can we make sure this never happens again?

but most importantly –

Why can’t we bomb somebody?

.

Yes, why? What possible reason could there be for denying ourselves the warm humanitarian satisfaction that comes from dropping high explosives from fighter jets. We may not know much about the situation in Syria – but we can certainly drop bombs on it.

But who? There must surely be a group we can blow up?

There are dozens of factions fighting in Syria and it’s hard to prioritise a target.

We could bomb Bashar Hafez al-Assad and his lot –  he is in league with the Russians, Iran, North Korea, Iraq, the Chinese & Hezbollah apparently. But that would be a boost for his opponents Islamic State and a whole bunch of other extremist groups seeking a Sunni Islamic theocracy.

We don’t really want anybody to win in Syria – an endless war would be best for arms sales and British jobs.

So we hope you’ll understand that just bombing some random Syrians would be counter-productive, immoral and stupid. True, this has never spoiled anybody’s fun in the past, but on this occasion we need a more coherent approach.

So it is with great pride that we report today that heroic UK killer drones have begun executing the real troublemakers in the Middle East – young British men.

Yes readers, British citizens have been in the midst of the Syrian Civil War so the government’s daring strategy is to stay in Whitehall and (murder) execute some of them by remote control. That’ll teach them and by ‘them’ I mean us, or ‘them’ that used to be ‘us’.

Now the government won’t be barbaric like Isis who behead people without trial – they will be (murdered) executed using drones (without trial) and no videos on YouTube.

Britain will send a message to terrorist groups everywhere – we can kill our own citizens whenever we choose, we don’t need your help.

If Churchill were still alive today he would have been so proud – “odious apparatus” and so forth.

For reasons that remain under (no) investigation, (murdering) killing a handful of British citizens will bring peace and stability to the whole region – making everybody feel better, especially the remaining family of Aylan Kurdi  who can rest easy with a few less Brits in the world.

So the imminent threat to the UK of young British men fighting in a war 3,000 miles away with no UK accomplices has been neutralised.  We would tell you more about this imminent threat but the Government won’t tell us, so that’s all the evidence we need.

We applaud the vision and insight of David Cameron and his Conservative government – if only he had courageously ordered more drone (murders) executions earlier – think how much trouble would have been nipped in the bud.

Now that the British menace is being dealt with and the civil war in Syria is coming to an end – we will be lobbying the Government to appoint a Refugees Tsar – Katie Hopkins had some good ideas, something to do with gunboats we understand.

Everything is back to normal and we can return safely to enjoying austerity and harassing the unemployed, the terminally ill and people with disabilities.

If you know any impressionable young men radicalised by extremist Islamic preachers who may be on their way to Syria, give them a lift to the airport – those drones won’t keep themselves busy!

with renewed thanks for your ongoing attention and credulity.

Yours sincerely,

The British (operated) Corporate Media

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See also: Drowned Syrian boy exposes Israeli hypocrisy | Gideon Levy