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Sodium Haze (SH): Thank you for joining us live on the air.
Covid-19 (CV): Oh darling, you’re very welcome and thanks for catching us!
SH: So please tell us a bit about yourself.
CV: Well my name is Corona. I’m a deadly virus, part of a global franchise now actually. I was born in China earlier this year. I like travelling and meeting people.
SH: Were you surprised about your successes in Europe?
CV: Oh it was amazing – quite a revelation. I mean, honestly, the powers that be did so little to slow us down and that has made all the difference. It helps one to feel so much more at home.
SH: What has been your favourite nation so far?
CV: That is a tough one…. we loved Italy: Lombardy, Rome and all over. The Spanish were such good sports and we’re still very popular there, but <laughs> I hope you don’t think I’m currying favour with you here but my favourite nation is the UK.
SH: Even more than the USA?
CV: Well Donald Trump has been great for me. His slogan is ‘Make America Great Again’ – and he’s certainly made it great for me. Those evangelical supporters of his are such darlings. I’m so looking forward to catching up with them over Easter.
SH: You’ve had some special moments in the UK haven’t you?
CV: Oh absolutely! So much more fun than South East Asia: I mean you couldn’t catch a bus, go to work, go outside or do anything and it was all ‘test, test, test’ all the bloomin time. But England especially was fabulous: we went down the pub, to the Rugby, and the Cheltenham Festival… I had the time of my life.
I got to shake hands with the Prime Minister and got to know the Health Minister and the Chief Medical Officer. England made us so welcome.
SH: You’re still in touch with the Prime Minister aren’t you?
CV: Oh now, I hope I’m not going to break a bit of a confidence here my darling – but yes it’s true: Boris and I…have been sharing a delightful get away at St Thomas’ Hospital. It’s been in all the newspapers you know: lots of media interest.
SH: So what does the future hold for deadly viruses like yourself. Do you think maybe your popularity is on the wane?
CV: Oh I don’t think so, there will be a place for little old me for a while yet. It all depends on what people prioritise going forwards. I am a deadly virus and that can limit popularity in places like Germany and New Zealand; but don’t forget those darling little eugenics guys: they really like a good old traditional pandemic.
SH: On that topic, how did you feel when you heard bout the UK’s ‘herd immunity’ strategy?
CV: <laughs> I am afraid to say, I drank rather too much champagne! Let’s leave it at that shall we?
Even a deadly virus can understand how delicate this all this. I think we all do, don’t we sweetheart? Older people, underlying health conditions and social care – well they all cost money don’t they?
Now I met Dominic Cummings and without wishing to be…unkind, he does have rather beady eyes doesn’t he? But seriously, Classic Dom (that’s my little nick name for him) – and those right wing guys – they have been so helpful. So a big shout out to Dom and tteam: I love y’all!
SH: Is it time to move on to a new market: Africa maybe?
CV: Well my agent has big hopes for Africa and the Middle East – and those rather nasty sanctions you have against Iran are a big help : but I want to meet the Queen and have a full UK tour first.
SH: So you have no plans to leave the UK?
CV: Oh I really hope not, as far I can see you have no serious plans to get rid of me. Your country is just a super place for a virus: what with your Tories, big corporations and all. And you do so love your money in England, don’t you darling?
All you busy little beavers will be back at work soon. Plenty of space in the hospitals and the morgues now, so no need for anything unsightly, because appearances do matter, don’t they?
SH: Do you have any worries about the future?
CV: <pauses> An outbreak of morality is my biggest fear: once people start valuing human life over money and stuff, it can get very tough for an honest virus.
SH: Do you think that will happen?
CV: I think I will be OK in the UK: those frightfully smart corporate guys don’t call you ‘treasure island’ for nothing, now do they!?
SH: Well, thanks for coming on the show.
CV: Oh, it has been such a pleasure. Such a giggle. But do wash your hands: my laughter is rather infectious you know!
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We don’t know that it was born in China,I stopped reading at that point.
Well, the first cases were recorded in China and by all accounts traced (in all that I have read) at a seafood market in Wuhan – this doesn’t mean that it was manufactured in China – but simply that China was the epicentre. For my money that is beyond reasonable doubt.