Allahu Akbar! Caliphate of England offers teachers and children opportunity to be martyrs for capitalism!

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England is now a medieval caliphate – well London and the south anyway. UKIP-isation and Covid-19 have ushered in the rhetoric and tactics of ISIS (and Donald Trump). Who would have imagined that the tory shires would one day be invited to go all hezbollah on us?

Delighted kids and teachers of the empire are to return to school in the middle of a pandemic. Allahu Akbar! What an opportunity to lay down one’s life in service of that which is higher than any of us…class privilege and money.

Middle class mums in MAGA hats (Make Affluent Great Again) will exchange waspish comments as kids with satchels (eek!) strapped to their backs disgorge from battle tanks (formerly SUV’s): ‘I’m more Al Qaeda than any of you!’ the bumper stickers will say.   

Radical clerics like Michael Gove and Gavin Williamson find common cause in extremist publications (the tory press) as they rage against the great satans – trade unions and doctors. These enemies of our faith are trying to obstruct teachers and children from serving the one true prophet, Dominic Cummings (peace be upon him) and the one true way: herd immunity.

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Our sacred religion (capitalism) needs more heroes (martyrs) :  the 150 NHS workers and 50,000 citizens who followed the tory path to glory are not enough. The super rich are losing billions so we need more sacrifices at the altar of wealth. Teachers joyfully preparing to be suicide educators have had their farewell videos interrupted by organisations that seem confused about their role in the kingdom. Trade Unions and medical organisations like the BMA seem to think they are there to protect people’s health: misreading the mood of mullah Boris Johnson completely who has already told them to ‘take it on the chin’ (without PPE). 

Every loyal serf of the caliphate is to stop whatever they are doing, turn towards Mecca (bingo?) during the daily calls to prayer held by Matt ‘Swiss Tony’ Hancock and Fr. Jenny Harries. Watch them ‘follow’ (make up) the (caliphate orthodox) science of the kingdom and reject the fake science of the rest of the world. 

Teachers of rich kids will sadly not be called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice – as many independent (posh) schools will not re-open on June 1st. Their fee paying parents (vitally needed to play golf, make zoom calls and go to garden centres) have virtuously accumulated more communion wafers (cash) than the hoi polloi. Isn’t it great to be a working class parent in England folks? Get back to work!

Martyrdom is now so popular that protestors are demanding the chance to swap conspiracy theories about 5G in overcrowded pubs. Who wouldn’t want to defend David Icke in a Wetherspoons and gasp out last breaths in a Nightingale Hospital? Well the heathen Welsh, Scottish and Northern Irish don’t and neither do lots of northern cities: but we can redraw the maps of our glorious theocracy so that the UK starts around Newbury and ends a bit east of Westminster. 

Inequality is to be banished in the kingdom as homeless people get kicked back out on to the street: they too will get their chance to expire for the empire – why should people who work in care homes, bus drivers and those deliveroo types have all the fun?

Carefree disciples of Conservatism are not going to be cheated out of their world leading death tolls by the smug, metropolitan liberal elite. We may not be able to win the football or Eurovision and two royals even jacked it in and scarpered to America: but we can kill our own citizens better than the French! Take that snowflakes!

While Europe remains hobbled by Project Fear – the English caliphate will echo to Churchilian defiance once more, recalling previous triumphs like the Cheltenham Race Festival and Liverpool vs Atletico Madrid.

Boris Johnson has told MP’s that the empire will be back to normal by July and he will surely be as reliable as ever.

But what is ‘normal’ in our glorious motherland now? Stacking up tens of thousands of dead bodies and then bashing saucepans lest we forget? How far can our newfound ideological purity take us? Can we sink even lower than the miserably bemused expectations of rest of the world?

I say we can! Because I am backing Britain (well parts of England) to follow the dumbest and most egregiously callous leaders on earth! We need not fear death – did not not our prophet Dominic Cummings (peace be upon him) say: “herd immunity, protect the economy and if that means some pensioners die, too bad.”

Truly our sacrifices will be their reward – so let’s stand together for caliphate Hymn #404:

Since 2013 I have worked between 4-6 hours a day on this Ad-Free site: trying to give a voice to those without the power or agency to speak out for themselves and uncovering truths that well paid journalists in the corporate media dare not utter.

I am a home schooling parent on a low income – paying for the domain, web hosting and security entirely out of my own pocket.  

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Thank you in solidarity with all our readers. John Lynch, Editor.     

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