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Keir Starmer’s plan for Labour unity (the central plank of his leadership pitch) is now clear – he is doing away with the Labour Party and replacing it with a hollow ‘business friendly’ vote chasing machine. He will reluctantly retain the branding of Labour, the prized entry ticket into the stagnant duopoly of UK politics – but he is at pains to distance himself from every other aspect of it.
You’ll recall from Haze passim that nowhere man’s key message is an ultra-disciplined mantra of nothing. If the corporate media has a distraction for the masses and the mauve spadocracy thinks that votes can be gleaned from it, then Keir will be duly programmed with a glib sound-bite and wheeled out a-la Dusty Bin to parrot it out.
There is a terrified ‘I haven’t been programmed for this’ look in his visual sensors, when even the rent-a-hack journalists from nowhere land get bored and ask him the blandest of questions – but the robot just clicks and buzzes and rearranges the soundbite in a new order.
Labour staffers – (many recently sacked and rehired on zero hours contracts) salute the hollow chimes of nothing on the hour.
Doubleplusgood everyone! Our Dear Leader has done away with our bothersome worker protections, pension rights and job security – lets spread the good news about New Blairism to the nation! How desperate do you have to be to work for Labour these days? I think I would rather suck off Michael Gove in a piss soaked bus shelter for cash before I would run a focus group for New New Labour.
Goodness how Mandelson et al would love to do away with the Labour brand altogether – a freshly airbrushed Starmerbot, his hair replaced with gun-metal stripes could joyously re-launch the Labour movement as the NOTHING PARTY with jolly slogans like ‘Get your 1997 Britpop here kids!’ or ‘Climate Change – slime at range!’ or ‘Get yer Food Banks on!’.
Starmer’s ideal Labour Party would be website driven – a selection of dropdown menus that allow you to design your own personal Starmeroid who will say whatever you like. Since he hasn’t the slightest intention of delivering anything except neoliberalism cubed, he can be your dream ultra flexible political barbie doll.
- Do like your Stameroid with a bit of a casual racism and poor bashing? No problem.
- Click here to add a union jack theme to your Starmerbot and watch him twerk to Rule Brittania. Sorted.
- Want him to call out Boris Johnson as a liar?
Well He can’t do THAT obviously – THAT would be saying SOMETHING akin to the TRUTH and his operating system has a firewall to prevent truth going in or out – but he can agree with Dawn Butler (once he is sure its ok with the media and with the caveat that he isn’t really coded to speak in that or any area).
Design your own drab amoral lawyer-bot on the Labour website today! Now with a glazed expression, a spare T-shirt and pull string. Programmed with 10,000 different ways to say nothing!
[Batteries not included]
The value of the promises made by your RoboStarmer may go down as well as up (but almost certainly waaaay down). The Labour Party is once again a wholly owned subsidiary of Blairite Investments Ltd. The Labour Party plc is co-regulated by the Corporate Media and The City of London. Terms and conditions apply. (note: looking at them too closely may cause inflammation in the brains of those that have one)
If you think that’s a bit harsh – that perhaps his suit and boot mannerisms are a hit with the ladies – then here is what Mumsnet thought of him…
Do have any lingering memory of Labour’s achievements, principles and socialist history? Well you are not WANTED in Labour anymore.
I mean what else does the Starmertron have to do to convince you? Kick out Corbyn? Attack all support for Palestine as racism? Blow all of Labour’s money in court cases in pursuit of and in defence of the witch-hunt against left-wingers in the party? Bully CLP’s into obedient silence? Parachute in approved Blairite election candidates? Constantly tell the press that they are ashamed of their own membership and are desperately trying to sort them out? Fire and re-hire its own workers on zero hours contracts? Hey! Hello!?! They have already done all that and much much more.
If for some reason you haven’t quite understood that socialist principles are about as welcome in the Labour Party now as Tony Blair at a war injuries clinic in Basra. If somehow you have hilariously decided to read between the lines of the card put through your door that says in bold red 72 point headlines that lefty types like you are to FUCK OFF – then you will be kicked out. The second you open your mouth to say ANYTHING sort of socialist and principled then you will be smeared as an extremist, a racist and an obstacle to the glorious nothing-ize-ation of the party.
For those that say that the Labour Party belongs to them and not the current squatters I have news for you – it doesn’t! Just as Newcastle United doesn’t belong to its fans but to that charmless hawker of overpriced sports tat – so the Labour Party does not belong to you – it belongs to THEM. You had a chance to wrestle it away from them with Corbyn but y’all blew it over Brexit.
The Labour Party is a not a party for the little people anymore – it has been swiftly recaptured by the BIG CLUB and you ain’t in it!
So you can queue up outside the New Labour night-spot (CLUB NOTHING) in the rain, buy their new soft drink (Diet NOTHING), kiss the velvet rope and beg the returned owners for their autographs – or leave and set up a political party that works for Justice and Democratic Socialism…
perhaps we can call it – The Real Labour Party?
Since 2013 I have worked on this Ad-Free site: trying to give a voice to those without the power or agency to speak out for themselves and speaking simple truths that well paid journalists in the corporate media dare not utter.
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Thank you in solidarity with all our readers. John Lynch, Editor.
This week Labour won a local election against an Independent who was jailed for driving his vehicle into the local town hall. However up against ordinary Tory Candidates they lost with massive swings against Labor candidates. Ordinary. Electors are not buying what Starmer and his authoritarian Acting General Secretary have to offer which is nothingness. The only hope as I see it is that enough members will stay put to vote for a Left slate for the National Executive committee elections. This means that socialist members must insist on One list and not allow the right wing to keep control by going through the middle as they did last time. If this fails then. the Labour Party if finished and guys like me who joined the Labour League of Youth in 1944 and stuffed leaflets through letter boxes until my fingers were too bruised in 1945 have wasted our lives in the Labour Party and we should get out to start again. More power to Sodium Haze.