Owen Smith to be replaced by Dusty Bin from 3-2-1

Owen Smith faces calls to withdraw from the race to be the next leader of the Labour Party and be replaced by a “unity candidate” – 80’s quiz show legend – Dusty Bin from 3-2-1.

Explaining the growing support for Dusty, veteran Labour MP and multi-millionaire Margaret Hodge said:

“things are clearly not going too well for Owen –  his rallies are attracting enough people to fill a small garden centre café – our focus groups tell us we need to embrace some ‘blue bin’ thinking. Dusty is a household name, a recognisable brand and is as relevant to the needs of ordinary working class voters as erm.. us!”

Polly Toynbee of the Guardian was quick to announce her confidence in Dusty Bin’s attempt to bring integrity back to British political life:

“Dusty Bin has the rigidity and structure we need to lead Labour forwards. The worst that his opponents can say that about him is that you can put any rubbish you like in him. His circular shape and sturdy lid are what we need in these troubled times. He has overcome much prejudice and anyone who opposes his courageous campaign is definitely a binnite, a bully and a dangerous hard left fanatic. With my blessing I am sure Dusty can be as successful as Ed Milliband, Yvette Cooper, Owen Smith and all the other people whose careers I have doomed” (shurely ‘helped’ – Ed.)

Alan Johnson MP warmly supported Dusty’s “recycling leadership” campaign and was quick to point out the socialist credentials of the plucky newcomer:

“…look, Dusty doesn’t work for big pharma, hasn’t been to any arms fairs, doesn’t support PFI, trident and didn’t vote for the Iraq War. Dusty Bin has been a socialist for as long as its taken me to say this sentence. I know some will say we are just slapping a red wig on a dustbin…but honestly, do we think we’d do that just to get our own way?”

Millionaire Labour donor Michael Foster is to return to the high court in a bid to challenge the NEC ruling that shamefully excludes dustbins from standing as leader of the Labour Party.

“I am confident that with my money and the support of the parliamentary Labour Party, Dusty Bin can be exactly the kind of Labour leader I want; holding wealth and power to account in a way that suits all the people that really matter – millionaires, my friends in the corporate media and other people in my social class”

Owen Smith has responded quickly to news he might be replaced by a dustbin with a big red nose and oversized yellow feet.

“I can be a dustbin – I can be whatever you want – but let us be clear I am my own man and I am not about to co-opt the policies and appeal of anyone else in this leadership race” 

The writer of a small blog called Sodium Haze, a volunteer who pays for his own web hosting, has responded to accusations that this spoof article is trivialising politics and bullying a person in public life.

“Perhaps I am just fed up with the 24/7 smear campaign in the media against Jeremy Corbyn and his supporters. Perhaps I think people with wealth and agency could find better things to do with their time than bully, hector and ridicule anyone who stands up for those who don’t”

The usual suspects were unavailable for comment – on account of them not giving a fuck what we think or do (as long as we shut up and stay meekly out of the way)