Predict the election result – 100% accuracy using this one weird trick…

I already know the result of the election with total certainty. No need to look at opinion polls or complex forecasting models – the upcoming poll is banally easy to predict and has been for some years now. The crushing winner will not be BoJo, Farage or Corbyn. The victorious collective will not be Red, Blue or Orange.

It won’t be The Sun wot wins it and the Guardian’s tiresome chicken coop of opinionators will gnash their corporate teeth to no avail. Facebook ads will not win it and neither will the Russians. 

It will not be the grey, young, metropolitan,working class, remain, leave or protest vote that swings the most dispiriting and pointless election ever.

No, the pre-ordained winner of the 2019 pointless elections will once again be…

…the Stupidity Alliance. 

Every politician at Westminster (and I mean every – single – one despite many of them being dumber than a coat of paint) knows that the only way to win an election is via the stupid vote. 

The bedrock dumbness of the British electoral majority is the one constant, reliable, predictable marker in the UK’s Mad Max, pre-Brexit and post logic dystopia that even thickos as diverse as Mark Francois, Piers Morgan and Mike Gapes can understand. 

Amidst the Brexit hoopla my favourite spadocracy pitch to the truly stupid was ‘Brexit means Brexit’ – yep Alan Partridge clones were nodding in pubs up and down the land to that one. Brexit of course is not Brexit  – its just a proxy war, only played for real by people who know the true financial stakes 

For the usual suspects (anxious trigger fingers with stock market options) it is a battle over the economic turkey that is the UK –  who will carve up the last post-colonial roasts of ‘treasure island’ – the EU or the US? There is a great deal of money to be made in the race to the bottom and jauntily hatted people at Henley Regatta are damned if they are going to let some technocrat in Brussels swan off with it – Trump’s america promises fatter kick backs and no questions asked.

For the truly witless, Brexit will transport us back to a past that has never existed – to some weird 1950’s pastiche in which Johnny Foreigner was never needed in Cafe Nero, happy neighbours sheltered behind unlocked doors and the British class system taught the world to sing in perfect harmony.

Or instead Brexit is to deliver us into a future that will never exist – Johnny Foreigner will be put in his place, stupidity and spite will become (even more of) a national religion and British bully beef will trample over trade barriers around the globe. 

This election is a big brother phone in poll to see who gets ejected from Brexit Bother House (formerly known as the Houses Of Parliament). Only the galactically stupid believe that this will be the end of Brexit – at best it will mark only the end of the beginning – more likely a loop back to the start of the beginning. The fruits of Brexit are Brexit – it will go on forever. 

Desperate to win the race to the intellectual basement and thus the stupid vote – the hands up BoJo Bear’s arse wiggle a simple path between BoJo Bear’s ample cheeks and the electorate. Who is dumber? It doesn’t matter. BoJo Bear has been trained to say one phrase on a loop that will unite the tribes of the stupid…

…’lets get Brexit done!’

A phrase that brings as much clarity and relevance to the complexities of the modern world as BoJo Bear brought to the Foreign Office – perfect!

The dilemma for Dominic Cumballs etc is this – is this simple enough to reach out across the rainbow spectrum of British stupidity? I think it is. “For the first time ever a conservative is saying what I think!” said some confused bloke in Barnsley . Now as BoJo Bear isn’t thinking anything I suspect this is about right and thus it is surely a winning strategy.   

What else could BoJo Bear say?

‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts’ (too many syllables)

‘Pretty Polly’ (probably considered)

‘Brexit Means Brexit’ (oh we’ve had that)

Nah – Dom Cum has had the perfect pull string installed into BoJo Bear. Wheel BoJo Bear into any TV studio and he’ll say it on cue.

CORPORATE HACK: “Erm Mr Bear – as a prospective British Prime Minister what is your view on climate change?”

BJ BEAR: “I think the British people want us to get Brexit done!”

CORPORATE HACK “But BoJo what do you have to say about austerity, the NHS, schools, the middle east….”

BJ BEAR: “Getting it done and by it I mean Brexit, is the promise that Brexit has as Brexit and we really must get it done ‘

CORPORATE HACK: “What do you think about the Pope’s recent interventions about the morals of fracking…”

BJ BEAR: “I think the pope really should concentrate on his own country and stay out of Brexit which we need to get done by the way”

CORPORATE HACK: But the pope hasn’t said anything about Brexit…

BJ BEAR: Well he ought to be talking about Brexit – I am, all the time – and then he ought to mind his own business about Brexit – because I am the getting Brexit done candidate and whatever the Pope says I will get it (Brexit) done. 

BJ BEAR: If you want hard truths or even complicated lies vote for someone else! I have simple popular lies. Doing will be as simple as saying in BoJo Land and I will say whatever stupid people want to hear in words  that even I can understand. 

<sigh> I have never had less interest in an election. Because I already know the result. So lets not bother with it? Right? 

As the cumulative consequences of our collective ecological vandalism and corporate irresponsibility slowly overwhelm us  –  let us stand together. 

Its a time for healing – a time for sharing. We may not care about anything, much less achieve anything, not even Brexit – but we can come together and at least pretend to get Brexit done – that somebody won!

Only then will we be able to enjoy the new corporate order under the heel (paws?) of BoJo Bear and his friends (?) in Trump’s America and the City of London – people you can really rely on…

Let’s all go to Greenham Common then, gather round a campfire and sing:

“All we are saying…is get Brexit done”