Russians poison Westminster – tough inaction proposed!

Terrifying evidence has emerged that the evil Russian regime has launched a wave of poisonous attacks against the political integrity of politicians at Westminster. Senior figures within the Conservative Party have been bombarded with briefcases full of a currency known as ‘roubles’ which they have been forced to play tennis for and quietly put into their bank account.

Intelligence officials at Porton Down have confirmed that ‘roubles’ are ‘of a type developed exclusively by Russia’ and that they have been developing the capability of weaponizing ‘roubles’ for delivery to certain eager British politicians for some time.

Senior figures within the Conservative Party have reacted with defiance to this ongoing Russian aggression. Etonian wagon wheel Boris Johnson called for swift inaction:

“We must make it absolutely clear to Russia that while we are pretty unhappy about being caught taking money from mates of Putin, we will in no way sanction anything that might prevent us taking more of it. We will of course be expelling some diplomats – Russian influence in British bank accounts must be protected!”

In a disgraceful break with the agreed policy of the Conservative Party – red menace Jeremy Corbyn has suggested taking decisive action to prevent Russian oligarchs buying political influence in Britain. Communist bogey man Corbyn has been widely condemned for this unpatriotic call to action which has been linked with other traitorous ideas. The lunatic bolshevik has even suggested (in his role as Leader of The Opposition) that Her Majesty’s Government might wait for ‘evidence’ before accusing people of murder – cheerless 70’s typing pool manager Theresa May played soundbite #66.

“We mustn’t allow ourselves to get dragged into the sordid world of evidence and reason – this is exactly the sort of thing that might prevent me from saving my job or running through a field of wheat and finding a big box of cash in the middle”

Meanwhile the BBC has been under pressure for suggesting that pinko Ruskie Jeremy Corbyn might NOT be a communist spy with rooms rented at the Kremlin – a biological  compound of Oxbridge upper class males issued this statement:

“Corbyn is a communist – look at the background, look at his hat, listen to the sound of us endlessly speculating about the colour of his Pravda underpants! For the love of God we are doing our best, but for some reason the public don’t trust us as much as they used to”

In other news, the elite media / political clique has declared that Facebook threatens democracy – so please don’t follow us on Facebook and get corrupted by the independent news and opinion you might find there.