Special advisors and PR gurus were tonight talking with important people like journalists and lobbyists about the menace of Jeremy Corbyn who may yet win the Labour leadership election.
“Our employers can’t compete with Corbyn!” said an unnamed PR consultant while holding a champagne flute and filling in multiple expense claims “We never realised that Labour has this dark history of caring about people – nobody told us”
In a move that has baffled senior Labour politicos Mr Corbyn has been drawing on Labour’s tradition of campaigning for the less advantaged and for social justice.
“This is terrible news” said a special advisor with no facial features “We only put Corbyn into the election because it was cheaper than hiring a monkey and we couldn’t get George Galloway – now he’s ruined everything by coming up with popular policies that give people hope for the future – its just cheating!”
Following the triumphant defeat of virtually all of Labour’s MP’s in Scotland by a party campaigning for social justice, senior Labour figures are convinced that the road to electoral victory lies in pretending to be the Conservative party but having nifty mauve signs with slogans on – a policy that worked brilliantly for Ed. Milliband.
“We want to built on the success of the Ed. stone and the pink bus!” a photocopier with lips from the LSE enthused – “We can’t let Jeremy Corbyn ruin all our hard work – we got rid of the colour red from all our nifty signs and we’re almost as pointless as the Lib Dems now”
“Jeremy Corbyn is very dangerous indeed!” agreed a lobbyist for the banking industry – “If you start giving people the idea that there are alternatives to trampling on the poor, people might vote for it…”
No Labour party front bench spokesperson was available for comment as they were too busy not opposing savage Tory cuts in the form of the amusingly titled “Welfare Reform Bill” that will hurt some of the most vulnerable people in society.
Yvette Cooper, Andy Burnham and Liz Kendall didn’t oppose the bill – an answerphone message speaking on their behalf said “we can’t be seen to bash the poor – but we don’t have any other ideas so we’re pretty much stumped – please air your concerns after the tone – beeeeeeeeeeeep”
Fifty Labour MP’s did vote against the bill. A computer program simulating a focus group said: “Aren’t we supposed to be in opposition or something?”
Jeremy Corbyn was unavailable for comment – continuing his baffling tactical masterstroke of representing the people that elected him as a Labour MP.
Jeremy Corbyn was the only Labour leadership candidate to vote against the Welfare Reform Bill.
see also: Corbyn leadership rivals issue statement – vote for us and we’ll make you pay!
see also: Follow Sodium Haze on Facebook
Must admit he is the only one so far to show Leadership characteristics. The others are just politcal clones with no evdent belief in anything. I fear he will be destroyed by the lack of loyalty already so graphically displayed by the riual humiliation of Milliband.
Ive just posted 10 minutes ago that Owen and Jeremy for the front bench in the new FAIRNESS FOR ALL party would sweep the board in 2020.
j’agree.