Tests, Lies and Videotape – how to fib like Matt Hancock

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Matt Hancock: Welcome to today’s government briefing, we begin as usual with our traditional Mea Culpa – that is to say ‘we are sorry, if you feel your loved ones are dying…but your feelings are not our fault and they were probably going to die anyway‘

Today’s Hymn will once again be ‘Then Sings my soul, what saviours we are to thee, how great we art, how great we art…’

So let’s take some questions from the media as springboards for my lame sales pitches: ah, yes Laura

Laura Kuenssberg (BBC): If we keep asking tame questions, can you give a worried nation the categorical assurance that senior BBC hacks with the right backgrounds will all get seats in the House Of Lords?

Matt Hancock: Absolutely, we are very proud of how the BBC has risen to the herculean challenge of covering (up) the governments pivotal role in facilitating this pandemic and it is right that we endlessly reward establishment flunkies. We will also be minting a special enamel badge for all BBC and Murdoch hacks with the word ‘LIAR’ written on it.

Robert Peston (ITV):  How is the government going to make up the shortfalls in PPE, testing kits, ICU beds and ventilators?

Matt Hancock: Now I am so glad you asked me that Robert – because I want to proudly announce my Five Loaves and Two Fishes strategy, which builds on the government’s world leading success in exponentially growing the number of Covid-19 cases and deaths.

Robert Peston (ITV): How is this plan going to actually work?

Matt Hancock: Well Fr. Michael Gove is going to pray over two testing kits and five ventilators and then 5,000 NHS staff will be provided with all the PPE they need! 

Robodroid (Sky News): Are you sure that will work?

Matt Hancock: It will be as robust as all our other promises and statistics and also means we won’t have to rely on the EU! Look we are dealing with unprecedented demand that we couldn’t have possibly have planned for in the way that so many other nations did.

If for some wholly unforeseeable reason, our rosary beads and ‘Our Father’ approach doesn’t shower NHS staff in plastic gowns, then we will continue to ‘follow the science’ and allow ventilators to mingle a bit at Cheltenham Racecourse – then they too will spread throughout the nation.

Excluded Hack (Questions That Are Never Asked by UK Press): Will you now admit Minister that your ‘herd immunity’ policy has been an abject national disaster in terms of lost lives and a wrecked economy.

Matt Hancock: I’m glad nobody has asked that question because I have no intention of answering it, this is not the time to be ‘picking over’ why we abandoned tens of thousands of citizens to their fate.

Excluded Hack (Questions That Are Never Asked by UK Press): When will be the right time?

Matt Hancock: After a period of mature reflection, following an enquiry that won’t report for eight years and long after I have left government for the board of a private health care firm.

Rightwingbiosludge (Daily Express): Can you tell us minister about your exit strategy for ending the lock down?

Matt Hancock: Yes I am proud to announce and fiercely committed to our three phase exit strategy:

In Phase One we will be prioritsing elderly people by discharging Covid-19 hospital patients directly into care homes – this is called ‘reverse cocooning’ and will ensure that residents and staff will get the fastest ‘exit strategy’ of all – indeed many thousands have already exited! 

Phase Two is called ‘Death For Heroes’: our ongoing PPE distribution failures will be guaranteeing that many front line NHS staff will also be provided with a swift exit strategy – before being tested in fact (but hopefully not before their round of applause).

Phase Three has already proved to be very cost effective and self organising. Many people are now so terrified of going anywhere near an NHS hospital that they are finding their own ‘exit strategy’ at home before calling an ambulance. 

Excluded Hack (Questions That Are Never Asked by UK Press): Do you regret cheering when you cut nurses pay in 2017 and will you be taking a pay cut? 

Matt Hancock: I’m glad nobody has raised that because I have no intention of answering that either – this is not the time to be thinking about a pay rise and proper PPE for front line workers.

This is a time for Tory voters especially, to form a zombie apocalypse of clapping penguins and to enjoy the sweet embrace of amnesia. I am not going to be taking a pay cut and neither are any of my colleagues because we like the security and advantages of money. I am minting a special enamel badge with the word CASH written on it to show that the most special moment for us will be when we get our money.

Laura Kuenssberg (BBC): Can you tell us what angle the Prime Minister is sitting up in bed at and how many Sudoku Puzzles he has been able to complete so far?

Matt Hancock: Yes the Prime Minister’s angle is that he would very much like to stay out of the way of journalists and my angle is that I would very much like his job – I believe he has completed 14,576 Sudoku Puzzles  – oh sorry no – that is actually the updated death figures in association with Enron and Lehman Brothers. 

That concludes today’s briefing – I would like to thank Baroness Kuenssberg and to remind the whole nation once again to STOP Thinking – ACCEPT what we say and SAVE Tory Political Lives.

Since 2013 I have worked between 4-6 hours a day on this Ad-Free site: trying to give a voice to those without the power or agency to speak out for themselves and uncovering truths that well paid journalists in the corporate media dare not utter.

I am a home schooling parent on a low income – paying for the domain, web hosting and security entirely out of my own pocket.  

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Thank you in solidarity with all our readers. John Lynch, Editor.     

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