The politics of our intimacy are our own – love can heal our atomised society if we embrace eachother in new ways

Is consumerism related to our private lives?

Many people have noted the inevitable way that sex is sold, through pornography, prostitution and the myriad sex aids, products and services that fill sex shops and online webstores around the globe, but what of the role that our intimacy plays in constructing consumerism itself?

The modern industrial era has been buttressed by the dominance of the nuclear family. One man, one woman, two point four kids and intimacy theoretically contained within the unit and the institution of marriage.

As I stand atop the hills overlooking Stroud, the architecture I see reflects this two-by-two moral structure – with nearly all the houses built to house self contained units of separate intimacy – singles, couples, families. It’s so common to us and looks so ‘natural’ that we don’t even notice it, I mean how it could be otherwise?

At the risk of sounding like John Lennon, let’s imagine a world in which intimacy was not separated out in this way.

What if we all had three of four sexual partners, or even five or six? What if we had a rich mix of different levels of intimacy with lots of different people? What if we lived together in community with some of those people and shared a house, resources and work? The architecture around Stroud would look very different then and there would be nothing unnatural about it.

Instead we have estates full of little boxes each replete with their own cooking, washing and entertainment gadgets. It is this pattern of intimacy, this all or nothing duopoly that sabotages communal living before its starts. Communal houses that share a TV, a cooker, a laundry and <gulp> even cars are sustainable – our present isolate lifestyle is not.

It strikes me that as environmentalists battle gamely to turn the tide of unsustainable consumerism across the globe – they are losing for two key reasons;

(a)    Like an inbuilt fitted kitchen from Ikea – monogamous nuclear families drive consumption by default.

(b)   Everyone believes that living alone in splendid isolation from your fellow human beings is the BEST way to live – the front door of our isolate little cuboid house has become a sacred portal and a social shibboleth that no-one even thinks about challenging.

So let us be John Lennon again and imagine a world in which the sexual moral confinement, loneliness and profligate consumption of isolate living was as unfashionable as communal living.

What a difference it would make! With a vastly expanded and delicious range of partners and intimate possibilities in our lives we could re-arrange all manner of things that currently all have to be one-by-one or two-by-two.

Housing, childcare, travel, work – the very nature of economic consumption would change.

Please note that I am advocating much more than random promiscuity or swingers parties or orgies – I’m suggesting having many more committed relationships of real depth and genuine love. We have shallow promiscuity already and is simply the dark flip side to the two-by-two boxing of intimacy.  

But how could we ever get from (a) the status quo to (b) a lifestyle based on a radical reimagining of all things sexual, social and intimate?

I can only think of one way – some pioneers will have LIVE this deeply more interesting life and PROVE that it’s just more FUN than living an isolated life inside a shoe box with a miserly ONE sexual partner.

Now note that I said ‘more fun’ and not ‘easier’ – we’ll have to get over some trifles like jealously, insecurity and relationship dynamics that now have six to eleven sides of a rubik cube instead of two and that is tough tough work.

Our relationship skills and our ability to thrive in process groups (as opposed to work groups) will need to built up over time, as few of us have any experience of communal living or polyamory (lots of sexual partners) or polyintimacy (lots of intimacy but sex optional or even precluded).

Our collective lack of skill at living and loving together means that those who venture outside of the norm will have it as tough as any pioneers heading off in to uncharted territory – some will have a rough time, some will find a flawed human paradise but the potential for healing change is enormous.

It is obvious to many that the twin intertwined evils of consumerism and narcissim must be challenged. Well all those who campaign for a better collective outcome for humanity perhaps need to start walking the walk – and actually live in communities that model a better alternative to these ruggedly individualistic times.

We all know that people will not exchange what they jealously guard now (a little pile of possessions, the front door key, the car key, ‘my’ wife) for nothing, but who models an attractive alternative?

 Even the most admirable of campaigners for social justice most often lead lives of economic and social separation, so perhaps we can forgive people for not really getting too excited by what they say. There has to be more to a greener future than wind turbines, bus lanes and shopping choices – right?

Of course there is an awful lot more to community than physical and emotional intimacy – but intimacy is the glue that sticks the current shambles together in a particular way so why not unglue that and stick it back together in a better way?

Let us not battle human nature – the nuclear family facilitates consumerism, is a modern invention and a deeply odd way to live. We never used to live in nuclear families, we used to live in tribes – we could again, all that stops us is a failure of the imagination.

My message to activists everywhere is this – you need a winning strategy and fast. Stop scaring people and model something they might actually want. Our society suffers from epidemics of loneliness and depression brought on by our isolate living – the ‘green’ movement can offer things that isolated consumerism never can –  more sex, more good company and more fun.

Its never going to be enough to invite the neighbours around for dinner or go to the pub – as long as most of us accept the hegemony of the nuclear family we will NEVER actually live differently than how we do now. Each little atomised unit will inevitably want their own house, washing machine, toaster, car etc etc and to get them will compete viciously to consume needlessly – instead of cooperating to share.  

The answer is not at Westminster in those empty dustbins that purport to represent us, but in our own lives. The corporate capture of politics has left the voter estranged from any semblance of democracy but the politics of intimacy are ours to choose and we could reshape the world with it.

Polyintimacy is our birthright and the best antidote to shopping therapy that was ever invented.

What are we waiting for?

John Lynch