What to do if you suspect your Mum voted Tory

Now we have all been wondering why Labour lost the election and a friend sent me this video from the people at Rebel Wisdom which explains that the liberal left (with Corbynism highly implicated) is blind to and indeed intolerant of other people’s views.

Oddly enough – despite being Rebel Wisdom this is also the view of the entire corporate media as they have been tolerantly explaining in big headlines for about five years with neutral labels like ‘Momentum Thugs’, ‘Trotskyite Entryists’ and ‘Hard Left Lunatics’.  Since this comes though from people who talk earnestly in white shirts who call themselves both rebellious AND wise, we are duty bound as left wing bio-robots to listen carefully…before we seek and destroy.

Via the ‘new implant of truth’ that we all had fitted soon after Corbyn got elected as leader of the Labour Party (so reassuring to know its there!) I checked the Corbo-doctrine database as per standard procedure and found that I disagreed with this view and needed to activate my blog-outrage-facebook-meme-auto-bicker circuits. So here I am literally typing as I download the correct words from an approved server into what remains of my brain.

Since I have been activated early this morning I have time to address another post-election worry that many of us have had – did my mum vote Tory?

We all need to check for tell tale signs. When you were giving your family their Christmas copies of Das Kapital and videos of the miners strike – did you get the feeling they were secretly hankering after a Jeremy Clarkson annual or Laura Kuenssberg’s 2019 book of celebrity Tory bake-off triumphs? Have you found any copies of the Daily Mail or Daily Express lying around (and don’t accept any excuses about ‘just wanting to do the puzzles’). Have they been smirking at you while saying ‘Lets get the dishes done’ or ‘Lets get the hoovering done’ while secretly meaning ‘Lets get Brexit done’? Have they been skimping on the recommended amount of time doing the allotment, making jam and plotting the downfall of evil elites like our Dear Leader?

Now as a member of the youth betraying left-liberal metropolitan elite I can only laugh at Stewart Lee jokes – so I am going to use his decade old send up of Top Gear (the old Top Gear before Clarkson started punching people and got fired) to frame how you should respond to the Mum-voted-Tory-disaster-scenario. Stewart used the ethos and implied values of (the old) Top Gear to satirise the ethos and implied values of (the old) Top Gear.  So you get the idea – everything I am about to say is a joke – like on (the old) Top Gear and probably the new thing that Clarkson does now (my implant doesn’t allow me to watch it).

So if you find out that your mother voted Tory your only option is to tie to them to a wheelchair and shove them off a cliff.

Its a mercy killing really for them and the world – because if there is one thing that left wing people cannot abide it is divergent views and debate – all voices except our own must be exterminated. Its no good saying that we live in a more tolerant society now – that with physiotherapy, open university courses, diet advice and a modified home that Tory voters can go on to live rich full lives. Enough with all this liberal left wing tolerance of right wing views – stop being a snowflake and admit the one shining truth – they have to go. So shove em off and check carefully to see that they have indeed died – burn the remains and scatter the ashes in random locations so that they can’t somehow coalesce like some right wing Terminator and re-appear at your front door with red robot eyes demanding in a gravel voice that we must ‘Get Brexit Done!’

Now if that seems a bit harsh…

….a bit too much…

…remember – it’s just a joke.

– like Stewart Lee’s satire about (the old) Top Gear and said in the stylee of an approved left wing comedian. But coincidentally…

…that is what I think you should do.

Because I hate Tory voters. They are not even real people just a composite of headlines from the BBC and The Telegraph, pointless piles of skin that were grown from DNA samples from behind Michael Gove’s ears – I want to be rid of all them and then I want to toss their tawdry newspapers and clothes and blue rinses after them – because they are all old and thick and racist and we ought to put them all in a big rocket that will inevitably smell of wee and then launch it and blow it up while we all hop about laughing and singing ‘ohhhhhhhhhh Jeremy Cobyn’….’ 

…not really.

Some of my best friends are Tory voters. I am all in favour of Tory Pride and unequal rights in favour of fascists and very rich people.  

But if this was my view – I could scarcely be blamed. You see the wise people and the truly rebellious people – the people from Rebel Wisdom know that as a left wing zombie I am incapable of anything else. Not that they will say so directly of course – that would be honest, no they just allude to the sins of labels like ‘liberal left’ and Corbynism – guilt by unsubtle juxtaposition. 

If I were to engage with them and appear on their videos, they would smile tolerantly and explain that the incapacity of people like me to be people like them is not my fault – and then sell me a Rebel Wisdom sweatshirt and a reassuringly expensive Rebel Wisdom online course. If I were to tell them to shove their new age-y guru-y quasi-spiritualist “new-renaissance-born-again-oh-so-enlightened-Force-rebel” posturing up their former TV executive arses – they would just use that as the material for another video about the intolerance of lesser beings. 

You can’t win. So we might as well issue a Fatwa from the IRA/Iran/vaguely defined enemy loving Corbyn central mosque HQ and declare a Jihad against Rebel Wisdom. Not a proper Jihad – just a Jihad of the intolerant metropolitan liberal left youth betraying elite – so if you see the lads from Rebel Wisdom in Islington or Hammersmith  just badger them earnestly and insist they debate the contemporary relevance of creation theology with you at Cafe Nero – that’ll teach em.

Ah – I sense my download speed is stepping down – my daily software update from left-wing-auto-fail.org  that optimises my antisemitism, thuggish hard left lunacy and overall intolerance is nearly complete.

Now be kind to everyone like Dear Leader Corbyn – unless you have to take a trip to an exposed coastal location to deal with….family matters.

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