November 24, 2024

If ever an image defined a moment in history….

We have to be grateful to former UKIP councillor Brian Sylvester for supplying us with the perfect image to accompany Brexit. Brian decided to suspend an upside down Union flag between two wheelie bins to celebrate “getting our great country back again” – a blend of jingoistic stupidity and unawareness that defines much of the current British mojo.

It doesn’t seem likely that our “great country” will survive much longer in any event. Scotland is rather tired of its status as an occupied country and wants to stay in the EU – its parliament has voted for a second independence referendum. Northern Ireland’s open border with the Republic is a political conundrum to which a united Ireland (in the EU) is the only logical solution. So into one wheelie bin goes Scotland and into the other goes Northern Ireland, at least that will save Brian the taxing mental conundrum of which way up to suspend the flag.

The whole ethos of Brexit is to put Johnny Foreigner in his place and it’s working already. The number of EU nationals registering as nurses in England has plunged by 92% since the Brexit result, and a record number are quitting the NHS – for some reason they fear not being welcome in our wheelie bin democracy. The NHS will also have to do without the £350 million a week that the EU departure was supposed to deliver – since that has all too predictably turned out to be a lie. As the tories continue to defund and break up the NHS as a prelude to full privatisation, it seems rather unlikely that this fantasy windfall would have been spent on the NHS anyway.

Theresa May’s swashbuckling government has been busy in the pre-Brexit wonderland making sure that the welfare of its citizens remains of paramount unimportance while the wheels of multinational corporations are merrily rolling all over them.

Empowered citizens of the Brexit utopia will doubtless celebrate the takeover of South West Trains by a consortium led by Chinese state metro operator MTR – It seems that three quarters of our railways are owned by foreign state railway operators… but rest assured, our liberated nation in true bulldog spirit will do absolutely nothing to get them back. Now we hear that the railways are to face the biggest cuts since 2008 – warm beer and cricket all round!

Also being triumphantly left in the merciful embrace of foreign nations will be energy suppliers EDF (French), Npower (German), Eon UK (German) and Scottish Power (Spanish)  – in fact seven out of the top ten energy suppliers to the UK all send their profits overseas. Rule Britannia!

The future of post-Brexit UK energy production has also turned into a nice little earner for the French and the Chinese who are being paid £18bn to build a new nuclear power station at Hinkley Point – the price per megawatt coming in at double the wholesale rate of electricity and using an outdated design that has seen costs triple at other sites. Britannia rules the waves!

No plans to bother Australian private equity sharks Macquarie either – they have extracted £2 billion in dividends since buying Thames Water on the cheap in 2006, this despite having the worst record for leaks of all the UK’s water companies. In a marvellous deal for Britain, Thames Water has been saddled with loans that enable it to pay no tax in the UK and make little progress fixing broken infrastructure. Employees of Thames who now face a £249 million deficit in their pension fund will be comforted to know that Theresa May’s liberation army has no plans to do anything about Thames or any of the other water utilities who are gushing profits overseas.

Post-Brexit plans to track all of Google’s multi billion dollar tax fiddles in the UK involve doing nothing at all – a steadfast continuation of the pre-Brexit policy. This lack of interest in Googles complex tax dodging arrangements allowed the internet behemoth to pay just £36 million pounds in corporation tax in the last year. Independent assessments of how much the UK loses every year in complex corporate tax fiddles go as high as £119 billion – but funding on HMRC is still going to be cut – as announced before Brexit.

Did you know that the UK has the smallest homes by floor space area of any European country with the average new build property covering just 76 sq m compared with almost double that amount in Denmark? But wait, Brexiteers will be pleased to know that government officials have already heroically liberated property developers from the red tape of conforming to even these miserably low space standards. First time buyers in London can now scrape together a deposit for a flat 40% smaller than a travelodge room. Thank heavens we regained control of our great nation, I mean who wants to hoover in flats bigger than 16 square metres all day!

 

Did you hear the one about the 4 million people in the UK who don’t earn enough to buy enough food? They may be hungry but doubtless their spirits will soar with pride at being in control.

Happily there will no cut backs in money spent hounding and humiliating the ‘workshy’ – people who were previously known as students, homeless, unemployed, disabled, chronically (or terminally) ill or working in jobs that don’t pay enough to live on.  Naturally we wouldn’t trust a British company to tell someone dying of cancer that they should get back to work or force chronically disabled people to plead for what they need to live on, so American company Maximus is making a few bob out of it instead. Not that we don’t have home grown talent meeting demanding targets for dishing out benefit sanctions across the land too. The pre-Brexit boom in people being driven to suicide and food banks looks set to get even bigger – take that Europe!

Security in our post-Brexit wonderland will continue to rely heavily on the multinational security behemoth G4S – readers may be unaware that the company is under investigation by the Serious Fraud Office for overcharging the government for tagging criminals who were later found to be dead or abroad. G4S runs prisons, immigration detention centres, police services, schools, hospitals and welfare and public surveillance schemes – getting £700 million of public sector contracts in 2012. Brexit Britain – sticking it to the man!

Brexit is officially going to be marvellous, taking back control of our great nation from overseas power! Well as long as you don’t need to catch a train, a bus, turn on a light switch, a tap, visit a school, a hospital or a library (chances are the library will be closed) and so forth.

With personal savings at a record low, personal debt at a record high and more austerity on the way, there has never been a better time to be British!

Now that we are leaving the EU and its shared market we will be in a splendid position to dictate how much we pay for access to it and on what terms our relationship to the EU will be framed. There is no possibility at all that the EU will use it’s economic muscle to impose terms on us – its obvious that outside and alone we can now force them to kiss her majesty’s pinky ring.

So grab your wheelie bins today – suspend an upside down jack between them adopt a certain chuchillian swagger and roar 

“Let us therefore brace ourselves to our austerity, and so fool ourselves, that if the United Kingdom should last for a couple of years before falling apart, men will still say, This was their finest hour…”

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