Labour Must Once More Become The Party of Empty Buzzwords, Says Dan Jarvis

Dan Jarvis – a man who is touted as being a future Labour leader by the sort of people who tipped Liz Kendall to be the same thing – has said that Labour must once more return to being the party of hollow, headline-grabbing buzzwords.

Speaking at a think-tank (‘think-tank’ being a political term for ‘concept-convoluter’ – ‘concept-convoluter’ being a fancy term for ‘load of old bollocks’), Jarvis said that Labour must once more make it clear that they are the party of community, family, and work.

Unfortunately for Mr Jarvis, a member of the public had somehow managed to weasel their way into the room, and instead of nodding and smiling because Dan was saying the sort of things that attract big donations from hedge fund managers (Jarvis having attracted tens of thousands from them already), they had the gall to question what these buzzwords actually meant:

“What the fuck does saying that we need to be about families actually mean? Is there a rival political party who are running on an anti-family platform? Sure – if you’ve got ideas which will help families – that’s great – but what are they? Why do you people think that you can still get away with just turning up and saying that we need fresh ideas without actually having any? Why aren’t you getting that everything has changed now? You put three of these stooges up against Corbyn, and the general public tore them to shreds, because no one has any more time to waste on this vacuous, political flatulence.”

In response, Dan Jarvis and everyone else in the room just turned to look at the uppity pleb and shook their heads.

“So much for the ‘new politics,” the lot of them said in unison.

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